


I Love You

by SinisterMind



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Angst, Love, M/M, Sad, fetus!malum, i guess, im new to this, luke and ashton arent mentioned that much, malum, relationship, sad michael is sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-28
Updated: 2015-07-28
Packaged: 2018-04-11 17:24:53
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,061
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4445231
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SinisterMind/pseuds/SinisterMind
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Michael has loved Calum for a long time</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Love You

They were only 8 years old when Michael first told Calum that he loved him.

  
It was unusual to see the two boys without one another, they were joined at the hip. They were in the same class, they would have dinner at each other’s houses all the time.  
He and Calum were getting ready for bed at Calum’s house and they were both dressed in their superhero pyjamas. They were running around, giggling like mad from all the sweets that they’d eaten earlier and the sugar rush was taking its toll.

  
He remembers that they’d been running through all the rooms and shouting that they were going to catch each other in a game of chasey, he remembers that Mali had gotten annoyed with the loud screeches and had stormed off to her bedroom which made them laugh harder.  
He remembers that Calum’s mum had sent them to the bathroom to clean their teeth and how they had a competition to see who could get the most froth. He remembers how they couldn’t tell who one because they spat in the same basin and Calum declared that they were both winners.

  
He remembers when Calum’s mum came in and kissed the boys on the forehead goodnight and shut the door. He remembers whispering with Calum until it was late at night, or late for two 8 year old boys. He remembers climbing into Calum’s bed and how it was so much comfier than the blow up mattress on the floor.  
He remembers that Calum was holding a superman torch and how they would whisper loudly and try to muffle their laughter so they wouldn’t wake anyone up. He remembers that once they turned the torch off, that Calum shuffled closer to him and how he automatically wrapped his arms around Calum’s small body.

  
He remembers that Calum told him that he was his best friend and Michael replied with an ‘I love you, Cal’ and how Calum never replied and he thought he said something wrong. But then he found the torch and switched it on only to find Calum had fallen asleep.  
He remembers thinking how cute Calum looked, cheeks slightly pink from the warmth of the bed, hair slightly tousled from moving around. He smiled and leaned over just like how Calum’s mum did earlier and kissed his forehead before turning the torch off and snuggling into his best friend.

  
He remembers when he went home later the next day, how he told his mum that he thought Calum was cute and how much he loved Calum. He remembers telling her that he was going to marry Calum because he loved Calum and he was his bestest friend ever.

 

~

 

They were 12 when Michael told Calum that he loved him for the second time.

  
He remembers how they still have sleepovers but the chasey was replaced with video games and the sweets were replaced with pizza. He remembers how the kiss on the foreheads were replaced by one of their mothers poking their head into the room and saying goodnight.  
He remembers that instead of muffled giggling and storytelling, it was stories of what happened at school or poking fun at some of the teachers. He remembers that he lay on the blow up mattress and how weird it felt being back on the mattress after years of sleeping in the same bed.

  
He remembers how that instead of playing with the superman torch, they’d use their phones and he realised how much he missed that stupid torch. How when they were little nothing mattered and they could do anything without being judged.  
He remembers that night when they were 8 when he told Calum he loved him for the first time. And even now, 4 years later, he feels the exact same way and he wants to tell Calum that he loves him so badly.

  
He remembers whisper shouting to Calum and how Calum looked up from his phone and looked over at his best friend on the blow up mattress. How lonely he looked down there and Calum smiled and moved over, moving the covers as an invitation for Mikey to join him.  
He remembers how he immediately left the mattress and joined Calum in his warm bed and how it wasn’t as awkward as he thought it would be. They hadn’t done this in a while but it felt so normal, so right.

  
He remembers how they didn’t really say anything at first, both playing with their phones but then he saw Calum turn around to plug it back in and roll back over to face him again so he did the same. And how all he did was look at Calum and realise that his best friend had grown since that night 4 years ago.  
He remembers saying those words again, “I love you, Calum” and how he couldn’t see Calum’s reaction because it was dark. He remembers how silent it was and he almost wanted to cry because he thought he ruined their friendship. But then he felt the sheets shift and how he felt Calum’s skinny arms drape over his waist and he knew that their friendship could never be destroyed.

  
He remembers how Calum had mumbled a “love you too” and how he swears his heart skipped a beat or two. He knew Calum didn’t mean it in the same way Michael did but he’d take what he could get.

  
He remembers waking up the next day with Calum nearly completely on top of him and how much he realised he liked being in this position. Calum laying on top of him, feeling his little warm breaths through his own thin t-shirt. He remembers when Calum woke up and saw that they were in this position, he immediately moved off of him. He remembers how cold it felt and how sad he felt that Calum moved that quickly to get off of him.

  
He remembers later that day, how he told his mum that he had a crush on Calum and how she replied with a ‘thought so’

 

~

 

They were 15 when Michael told Calum that he loved him for the third time.

  
He remembers how he and Calum were always best friends and he remembers how Calum always seemed to make friends easily. He remembers when Calum became friends with Luke and how jealous he was.

  
He remembers how fucking annoyed he was at Luke for no reason other than being friends with Calum. He remembers how their sleepovers changed into the three of them and he hated it so damn much. He remembers that they didn’t even call them sleepovers anymore, just ‘spending the night at Calum’s’’ or something.  
He remembers how he and Luke would always fight over the controllers and how Calum would always pick Luke over him and how much that hurt. He remembers saying he needed to go to the toilet just to avoid them for a few minutes and to calm himself down.

  
He remembers that when they went to bed later, how there was an extra blow up mattress for Luke and how badly he wanted to crawl into Calum’s bed and just cuddle up to him. He remembers how he couldn’t sleep that night and how he wanted to cry because he felt so uncomfortable. He remembers how he was still awake at 3am and how Luke and Calum were fast asleep.

  
He remembers how he slowly slipped off the mattress and made his way to Calum’s bed. He remembers how Calum didn’t wake up and just automatically moved over and wrapped his arm around him. He remembers how comfortable and normal it felt to sleep in the same bed, all cuddled up. How it was so normal for them.

  
He remembers when they woke up in the late morning, how Calum quickly got out of bed, away from Michael. He remembers how hurt he was, even if Calum didn’t mean to hurt him. He remembers the way Luke looked at Michael as he sat with Calum’s bed sheets over his shoulders as a comfort. He remembers trying not to cry in front of Luke as Calum left the room.  
He remembers flopping back into Calum’s bed, well aware that Luke was watching, and just curled up on himself. He remembers feeling so fucking bad, almost to the point he felt physically sick, and how he just wanted to go home. Away from Luke and away from Calum.

  
He remembers poking at the toast and how he watched Calum tease Mali for her bed hair. Mali had long ago stopped looking ‘presentable’ in the mornings when he would sleep over as he slept over so often. He remembers that when they were 8 how they would always jump on her bed and she’d yell at them to get out. He misses those moments.  
He remembers that his mother had called Calum’s mum and asked if he could stay longer than usual as she had something to do. He remembers feeling sad because he honestly missed his mum. He remembers being somewhat happier when Luke left and it was just him and Calum again. He remembers how Calum was sitting on the couch and had patted the spot right next to him.

  
He remembers sitting down and how Calum let him lean on him while they watched a movie. He remembers how comfortable it was.He remembers Calum mindlessly tracing patterns on his hand and how it sent shivers down his spine. He remembers Mali making fun of them about being boyfriends and how Calum said loudly that they weren’t together. He remembers staying silent.

 

He remembers how he had sat up and looked at Calum. He remembers how he said the same words as he did when he was 12. “I love you, Calum” He remembers Calum smiling and replying with “love you too” and how it made him feel jittery.

  
He remembers hugging his mum when she came to pick him up to drive him back home. He remembers telling her that he didn’t like Luke and he didn’t like the changes.

 

~

  
They were 17 when Michael told Calum he loved him for the fourth time.

  
He remembers that they were at band practice and how he had gotten over his hatred for Luke. He remembers sitting in Ashton’s garage, tuning his guitar and how he had glanced up to see Calum watching him. He remembers blushing and looking down at his guitar again.

  
He remembers how they actually had fans. He remembers how he would watch Calum play bass at gigs and how happy he looked. He remembers how they got to tour with Hot Chelle Rae and how mind-blowing that was. He remembers how everything was changing and he wasn’t sure if he liked it.

  
He remembers how he would still sleepover at Calum’s and how it changed to the four of them. He remembers how there wasn’t enough space for 4 beds in Calum’s room. He remembers how Calum insisted that he could share his bed with him. He remembers smiling so much when Calum said that.

  
He remembers how Ashton confronted him about liking Calum and how he nearly burst into tears. He remembers Ashton being shocked when he started to cry and he didn’t know what to do. He remembers telling Ashton that he’s liked Calum for ages and how he loves him. He remembers Ashton saying it would be okay.

  
He remembers when they were asked to tour with One Direction and how nervous he was about leaving his home. He remembers standing at the airport just hugging his mum. He remembers her rubbing his back and telling him that it will be okay, that he’ll have the time of his life, that Calum would be there to cheer him up.  
He remembers how he sat next to Calum on the plane and how scared he was. He remembers Calum holding his hand and giving it a little squeeze and he knew that everything is going to be okay. He remembers when they landed and Calum held his hand again.

  
He remembers when they performed their first show with One Direction and he fucking scared he was. He remembers standing backstage, watching Ashton twirl his drumsticks and how he wished he would fucking stop that, it made him nervous. He remembers that Calum had swung his bass to the side and walked over to him and gave him a hug. He remembers how comfortable and welcoming Calum’s arms were and how he wanted to stay there forever.

  
He remembers seeing Calum running around on stage and how he looked over at the hundreds, thousands of people in the crowd and how daunting it was. He remembers when Calum came up to him and whispered that ‘everything is going to be alright’ into his ear and how assured he felt after.  
He remembers being so excited he was shaking when their first show was over and how all the nervousness was gone. He remembers getting back on the tour bus and chatting loudly to everyone. He remembers Calum’s eyes on him the entire time but he didn’t care.

  
He remembers when they went to bed and how he couldn’t sleep. He remembers looking at his phone and wondering if he should call his mother. He remembers tossing up the idea of calling her or not. He remembers giving in to the temptation and calling home. He remembers how much he missed hearing her voice when she answered and how happy she was when Michael told her about the show.

  
He remembers he was in the bathroom to avoid waking anyone up as he talked to his mum. He realised how much he missed Australia, how much he missed his home. He remembers when he said goodbye to his mum how he wanted to cry because he wanted nothing more than a hug from her.

  
He remembers when Calum wandered in and how he gently pulled him out of the bathroom and into the lounge area of the bus. He remembers how they sat on the couches, all cuddled up. He remembers they didn’t speak to each other for a good few minutes. He remembers how he unwrapped himself from Calum and repeated those words. “I love you, Calum”

  
He remembers that Calum didn’t say anything.

 

~

 

They were 19 when Michael told Calum that he loved him for the fifth time.

  
He remembers how they finished up their second tour with One Direction and were going to start their own tour the following year. He remembers how confident they’d all gotten over the year. He remembers how everything was changing, how he could no longer walk down the street without people asking for a picture.  
He remembers how he had taken to stay inside a lot, not that he didn’t before. He remembers how Calum would come to his house instead of him going to Calum’s. He remembers how weird it was that they were known. He remembers him and Calum discussing this.

  
He remembers thinking how much they’ve grown up together, how they no longer wore superhero pyjamas and eat so much sweets they wouldn’t be able to sleep. He remembers going to Calum’s house one day and how they had moved some of the furniture around. He remembers how he found that superman torch behind Calum’s bed and showed it to him.

  
He remembers Calum taking it and turning it on and how it wouldn’t turn on. He remembers how Calum chucked it into a bag and how he strangely felt sad when he saw it being thrown away. He remembers they used to use it all the time when they were little and he felt like Calum was throwing away memories. He remembers not saying anything.

  
He remembers when he sat down and really thought about everything. He remembers thinking it isn’t normal to be in love with your best friend, your best friend who is a boy. He remembers how his mum had come and talked to him. He remembers telling her that he really loved Calum and it wasn’t a stupid high school crush.

  
He remembers how his mum nodded and told him she always knew. He remembers her saying something about it being okay and how he wished it was okay. He remembers how nice it was to be back home, how much he missed being here, how much he missed his childhood.

  
He remembers looking at old photos his mum had of him and Calum and how many memories came with each photo. He remembers the day he fell in love with his best friend and how he didn’t care that he was in love with a boy. He remembers how long he’s been friends with Calum, so fucking long, and how everything was normal for them. He remembers how, at 19 years old, they didn’t share a bed anymore, not even in hotel rooms. He remembers at night how he just wanted to crawl into bed with Calum and feel his arms around his waist, one last time.

  
He remembers when he went to Calum’s house after Christmas and how they gave each other presents. He remembers how he had glanced around Calum’s room and remembering all the changes that have happened. He remembers taking down the cartoon and superhero posters and replacing them with bands and girls. He remembers how he never had a poster of a girl in his room even though Calum would give him some to keep.

  
He remembers how it was late at night and they were watching some movie while they leant against each other on the couch. He remembers how he had placed his beer on the table and turned to Calum. He remembers how he reached over for the remote and paused the movie, causing Calum to frown. He remembers thinking Calum is too pretty to frown.

  
He remembers how he faced Calum and how he said those words. He remembers how he added stuff. He remembers pouring his heart out to Calum and how he almost started crying halfway. He remembers Calum looking shocked and how he shook his head.

  
He remembers when Calum replied.

  
“I love you too…..but not in that way”

  
And he remembers how everything stopped.


End file.
